I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
