The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
