dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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