Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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