I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
