I'm jealous of your bromance
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
