Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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