I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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