Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
