Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
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I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
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I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize