Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
