I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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