I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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