I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
