Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
