non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize