i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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