Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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