my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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