I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
