I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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