I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
