You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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