Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
