i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
