Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
