weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
