forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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