I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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