is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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