She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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