o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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