We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
