Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
