i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
