Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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