I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
