yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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