I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
