I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
