Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
