that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
