my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
