Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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