just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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