you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
