dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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