Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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