She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
