so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
