so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
