textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
