His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
the raccoons are back...
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