I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
