she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
