did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
