His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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