I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
