Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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