I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
