What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
